One Thing After Another...

[TurtleNinja]

I hesitate to dump a big emotional load on my friends(and total strangers because I know I don't know everyone on here ), but I just have to get all of this off my chest before I have a huge breakdown.

I know some people are wondering why I haven't been active on IRC and the boards now that the wedding's over with and the worst thing I have to deal with in that department as of late is finalizing payments and details on the honeymoon. I've thought about coming back, but since the wedding, it's just been one crisis after another and I'm sadly unable to handle internet life at the moment.

I'm not mad at anyone, not meaning to ignore anyone, I've just got a lot of personal problems to handle.

Right after the wedding, I found myself completely and utterly exhausted. Not entirely surprising as Ivey and others'll tell you, I spent 3 weeks prior to the wedding practically living off the local Starbucks. Thankfully, I'm no longer a rabid frappuccino fiend(ok, I love the mochas, but they're not even weekly, let alone daily ), but I crashed and crashed hard. I got name changes done, license, etc, sent out thank yous, and pretty much just collapsed and did nothing for the rest of the summer.

Only thing I did manage was our usual craft shows, and I noticed I didn't have the usual excitement and energy I usually do for them. It was hard to get our stock up as the wedding had taken most of my time, and instead of being really cheery and eager, I was exhausted. I slept through a good part of September's show in my hometown and I never do that. Even good ol' Starbucks didn't help me.

On top of wedding exhaustion and shows, there've been personal family crises, of which, I'm about to break down over.

Not even a month after the wedding, my grandmother(on my father's side) had a doctor's appointment, in which we learned that below the vertebrae that collapsed from osteoporosis in 05(and was fixed in St. Cloud, surgically fused back together) has two more below it on the verge of collapsing. The doctor, the same nice, Norwegian doctor I see, told her that she should think about going into the nursing home.

None of us really want her to go, but she's getting forgetful and her health has been sketchy off and on since 05. Both 05 and 06, she spend the holidays in the hospital for various health problems. She had in home nurses come for about a month(was supposed to be 9 weeks) to help her out and see if she could manage alone or not. They quit after a little over a month saying she wasn't making progress and it wasn't worth them coming out, another sign she needed the home. She has a lady take care of her baths and that's it.

Both my gram and my father have been fighting the idea of going into the home, despite doctors saying she needs to go. Her eyesight's going and she got hearing aids, which were very expensive(I'm not even going to say how expensive, but they're expensive)...and she refuses to use them, saying they don't fit or are uncomfortable.

Then on top of all that, plus my own personal problems that have sent me back to therapy(no, I'm not depressed again) to heal from some business that's been going on for a long time, my mom's stepmother, my stepgrandmother, died in September from lung cancer. It wasn't entirely a surprise. Mom went to see her in August as we had found out she was in the nursing home herself as of this spring from a stroke(hence why she wasn't at the wedding), and discovered she was in hospice with terminal lung cancer(she was a long time smoker).

We didn't think she'd make it to the end of the year, but we didn't expect her to be gone in a month, either.

Now I'm unloading because this situation with my remaining grandma is just getting worse and I have no idea who to turn to right now. I'm trying to use my sessions with my therapist to deal with my own problems, and my father's side of the family is just making everything worse for everyone.

It boils down to this...

My grandmother is turning into an 88 year old baby, who can't do some things for herself(to which my mother handles and is fine handling), but the things she can do for herself(such as make herself toast for breakfast), she refuses to do for herself. Every last little thing she can and should be doing for herself(doctors are saying that the reason she's aching all the time is because she doesn't get up and walk around the house and doing little exercises to keep her joints going like they tell her to), she refuses to do and has my parents do them for her.

Mom doesn't let this happen. But if Mom's not around and preoccupied elsewhere, my Dad goes and does whatever Gram asks him to. And speaking of my father, he's in complete denial about the whole thing. He refuses to talk about it, does every little thing for my Gram that she asks him to. Yet he doesn't check to make sure she's doing what she's supposed to, like her exercises and wearing her hearing aids.

Everything's left to my mother, who's getting run ragged and worn out by my father's denial and my grandmother's constant need to be waited on hand and foot refusing to do things for herself. I feel just so terrible for my mother because she's doing her best and neither of them are helping her one little bit and she has her own life to deal with, meaning she can't be there 24/7.

On top of that, my uncle(my father's only sibling) lives 4 hours away and can't be there. He calls every week to check on gram, but he just can't be there to help with her care. His wife, forget it, she treats my grandmother like an invalid and has for years, long before she's had her recent health problems. She won't lift a finger to help at all like my mother does.

Earl and I help what we can, but there's only so much we can do, too. It's getting to the point where she can't or just won't take care of herself and as much as we hate to think about it, the doctors are saying if she can't handle herself, she needs to make arrangements for a nursing home to get the care she needs while she still can.

So...this is all why I haven't been around after the wedding. Exhaustion, personal problems, and a huge family crisis over what to do with my grandmother. Half of us say it's time for a nursing home, the other half have their heads in the sand in denial, refusing to look honestly at the situation and deal with it properly.

I'm sorry this is so long, sorry I'm dumping this on everyone or anyone I might've offended. Right now I just don't know what to do or say to help. I want to help my poor mother so much and I just can't think of anything Earl and I can do to help her or my gram, the way things are going. I have nobody close to where I live to turn to and it's just a bad, stressful situation that I just can't handle internet life right now.

Until I can fix my problems(not just this business with Gram, but other stuff as well), I honestly can't say when I'll be more active online again. Thanks to anyone who's willing to listen to me get this off my chest, I don't mean to get long winded or seem whiny or anything, it's just a lot to handle. I'm not mad at anyone, not meaning to ignore anyone online, I've just got a lot to deal with and I'm at a loss as to how to deal with this.

[moronqueen]

*hugs* Hopefully it starts getting easier...that family and getting older stuff is NEVER easy. Hang in there...

[BubblyShell22]

My deepest sympathies go out to you, Turtle Ninja. We're dealing with the same thing with my grandmother on my dad's side. She's in a nursing home now after suffering a combination seizure and stroke. The worst thing is that my dad has promised her that if she is able to swallow and walk on her own that he'll take her home. Frankly, I don't see how she'll be able to go home since the house will have to be remodeled. I just want to tell my dad to wake up and face reality.

[TurtleNinja]

Thanks guys. I'm doing a little better, likely because we've got our annual bake sale coming up this weekend, so my mother and I have been busting our tails working on getting things made for it. I do a fair bit better when I'm distracted, but when I'm bored, I can't stop thinking about all this business, most of which I can do little about, all of it worrying me to no end. I sometimes even feel like the family's breaking apart a little bit.

BubblyShell, I'm wanting the same thing for my dad. My mother, husband, and I all see the serious problem, see what my mother has to deal with in taking care of my grandmother while he's busy with farm work, and it's like my father's in complete denial. I, too, want him to just wake up and realize that this is going on and even though absolutely none of us really want my grandmother in a nursing home, it's getting to the point where she's more than we can safely handle.

So big hugs out to you too. My stepgrandmother that just passed away was in the nursing home after a stroke, so that was hard on my mother, too, as it was on her side. We've also had to do some small things to my gram's house because she can no longer get in and out of the house on her own. She has arthritis so bad(for some time now, her ankles have literally been bone on bone), she can't go up and down stairs, even the four small ones leading into her entry and then up into her kitchen. We had to put in ramps so she could be wheeled in and out in a wheelchair.

My best wishes to you and your family, BubblyShell, you and Mo have both made me feel a bit better. And I know it'll get better in time, it's just a very stressful time at the moment for me, with this, my personal issues...and then of course the ever present holiday season coming up. *chuckles* Honestly, I think the holidays are always stressful for everyone in some way or another, but this year, it just seems a little more stressful.

I know it'll get better, it's just the waiting for it to get better that's a real pain. It also doesn't help that on top of being in a bit of denial about his mother, my dad's also been probably concerned with what we do about her house. She lives on the farm right next to my parents and her house is an old double-wide trailer. It's still in good shape with a small repair here and there to the ceiling where leaks have started in, but for whatever reason, the value isn't very good, so we can't sell it. We'll probably keep it and rent it out or my mother and I might use it for our craft business, put all our supplies and stuff over there so it's not cluttering her house and my apartment.

Add to that, I have an aunt who is, well, to put it politely(because the stories I could tell and things I could say are absolutely not family-friendly), the family troublemaker. This woman would see nothing wrong with taking some of my grandmother's things and tossing them out because they were chipped, old, cracked, or dusty, even if they're of some sentimental value to any of the rest of us. She would see nothing wrong with treating my grandmother like an invalid(which she has before, and my gram is in good health still, even if she can't get around very well these days) and telling everyone what she thinks we should be doing with the house and all of my grandmother's things when that sort of time comes, so I'm not doubting in the least(honestly, neither are my mother or husband) that this is concerning my dad as well.

This is the biggest stress going on right now. Some days it's all right and bearable, other times, we could all just scream at how my dad has his head in the sand about it. I don't doubt for a minute this is probably what's got all the other things I'm dealing with coming up, seeing my grandmother get to the age where we're even thinking about a nursing home driving me to fix these other things going on in my life that've been bothering me for awhile.

I know I'll be all right, it's just frustrating and a bit sad. Sad to see this happening to my gram and my family, and frustrating to see what my mom goes through and know what's going on and what we likely need to do, but watch others in the family ignore the situation completely. I'd like to help, but there's little I can really do. It's up to my parents to deal with my grandmother and what to do with her place more than it's mine. I suppose that's what bugs me the most, loving my family and being utterly helpless and at a loss as to what to do to help with the situation.

I guess the best I can do is just be there for support(and be an ear to chew off when Mom's frustrated because lord knows I do it enough to her at times ) and hope those frustrated(and sometimes frustratING) memers of the family finally come around and realize what's going on and what needs to be done.

[BubblyShell22]

Thanks for the sympathies, TN. I have an aunt who also won't face reality about my grandmother. Once she even promised my grandma that she'd never put her in a nursing home. Well, look what had to happen now. It's just stupid to make promises like that without knowing what will really happen. It just frustrates me to no end. I really think it's better to keep my grandma in a nursing home. So far, she's walked eighty feet with assistance, which is a good thing. Plus, her speech is getting better, but her mind isn't there. It wasn't there even before the stroke because she kept forgetting things or repeating questions to me. I was glad that the cleaning lady found my grandma when she had her stroke because if the cleaning lady hadn't found her, my grandma probably would be dead.

Yeah, holidays are a stressful time for some of us. I'm not counting on anything big this holiday season. We'll more than likely spend time at my grandma's house before visiting her in the nursing home. I think that's mainly what we'll be doing. Of course, my dad has probably told her or will tell her that she could be home by Christmas. That wouldn't surprise me at all. However, the good thing is that I have TMNT and some awesome friends for support, so it's not that hard. I'm sure you'll get through your hard time with your family, friends, and TMNT to get you through. So, best wishes to you, TN. If you need to talk, I'm here for you.

[moronqueen]

Holidays are very stressful...

Especially when you get a count down starting the beginning of October.

*whiiiiiines and smacks head against the wall* If you're up in the Cities any time this December (as a y'know...temporary respit), you 'n Earl've gotta spend some time with us. I've wrangled up a couple places that have Birch Beer! Hey, we can have some regular beer while we're at it...

[BubblyShell22]

You're starting a countdown now? Well, okay. I start my countdown after Thanksgiving is over.

[TurtleNinja]

Thanks again for all your well wishes. Mom was in yesterday to get a few groceries for all the baking we're doing this upcoming weekend and I heard some news here and there that might actually be speeding things up. My grandmother's sort of got her mind, but she's been getting more and more forgetful, to where my mother almost has to remind my grandmother of every little thing.

Was told that Gram forgot her pills at lunch and before bed the day before last, which didn't make my mother happy in the least because if Gram forgets too many times, she'll get sick and end up in the hospital. She's also had problems where the doctors call her about an appointment or test results or something, then when she hangs up and calls my mother, she's completely forgotten what was said to her. Less than a minute and she's forgotten.

After forgetting so much the other day, sounds like Gram and Mom had a talk and my gram, as much of a stubborn Norsewoman as she can be, is starting to realize that how much she's forgetting is making her care harder for us and that she might have to start looking at assisted living, although if she can't qualify for that(the places we've inquired about have requirements and if she can't take care of herself enough to meet the requirements, then it won't be an option for her), then it'll be the nursing home.

Sounds like she's got a doctor's appointment next week and my mom's so frustrated, he's going to hear all about what's been going on and he's likely going to be more insistent than he was in July that she go into a home now, before she ends up in the hospital or worse. She does have her mind, but she's getting terribly forgetful and while we absolutely don't want her in a home, we know we can't give her the care she needs and we want her to be safe and have her needs seen to before something tragic happens.

BubblyShell, I'm glad your gram's walking better and her speech is improving. It's a good sign, even if her mind isn't perfect. My stepgrandmother's mind wasn't very good, either. Sometimes she recognized my mom and aunt(my mother's sister, not the mean one), sometimes she didn't.

Far as the holidays go, I'm not actually too worried about my grandmother. We're hoping she's in the nursing home or assisted living before the holidays and if she is, I know we'll be spending part of the holidays visiting her because where she'll probably go to is a 10-15 minute drive from me, so she'll be close. I'm not counting on anything big either, because we're all so stressed and got a lot on our plates, but I know we'll do something, possibly even at my house as I'm usually the one that makes the huge feasts for both Thanksgiving and Christmas in the last few years.

I'm more stressed about my aunt, the one that tends to boss everyone around and treat my grandmother like she's an invalid(and that's putting it very politely). She unfortunately tends to put a damper on everyone's holiday and I'm honestly not sure I can handle it this year.

So Mo, heh, you might end up seeing us sooner than Christmas, if the talk along the family grapevine ends up being true. And if it continues to Christmas, you might see us then, too. Earl and I love our family, but if things get too much, we have plans and money set aside to spend it up in the Cities if we have to resort to that to get some peace for what's supposed to be a happy season.

When Earl wakes up(didn't sleep well last night, we've got some particularly irritating neighbors this fall semester that have bad habits of not shutting up at 3 am and drinking in the hallway outside our door...), I'll tell him you found a place with birch beer, so if we're up you're way, we'll be sure to stop by.

And my countdown? lol, it starts the first weekend in November. The church I grew up in has an annual bake sale I help out with that's always on that weekend, so I know the holiday season's arrived by the two weeks of baking. Then two or three weeks later is Thanksgiving, and Christmas/New Year's a month after that. Usually I look forward to all the cooking and baking, despite all the stress and irritation with certain people in the family, but this year, it's like I love the holidays, but I'm just all pooed out.

[BubblyShell22]

Well, at least your grandma seems to understand what's wrong with her. Mine certainly doesn't realize, although there are times where I think she knows more than we give her credit for. I hope things work out for you, TN. I haven't heard anything about Grandma yesterday, so I don't know what's up. I think my dad will visit her tonight, and hopefully I'll have something to pass along to you.